Comedian Jim Gaffigan was once asked what having a fifth child was like. He said it was like you’re barely treading water, and you’re tired, and you’re not sure you can make it … and then someone throws you a baby.
Now I don’t have 5 children, for the same reason I don’t repeatedly punch myself in the face as hard as I can, but I do know what it’s like to go from one to two children, and TBH, it’s not great Bob. My wife got pregnant (I’d say “we” get pregnant but let’s be honest, my contribution to the whole process is minimal) when our first was 14 months old. In other words, right when things started feeling like “hey maybe we won’t die after all!” we decided to do it all again.
But that was nearly 2 years ago. In August my kids turn 4 and 2 and let me tell you it is so much easier … it’s still pretty hard. But it’s not as hard, and the good times are starting to outweigh the “I am shipping these children to Abu Dhabi” times. So for those of you in the early stages of multiple kids, or preparing for your second spawn to arrive, or considering pulling the goalie, here are a few random, encouraging thoughts:
Your firstborn is proof that kids are resilient
Remember the early days of Spawn #1? Remember how FREAKED OUT you were ALL THE TIME about how said spawn probably wasn’t breathing or definitely had thrush or probably was going to be a serial killer because you couldn’t breastfeed?
Yeah none of that’s true. Kids are resilient. Look at Spawn #1: she’s … functional. When you have a second kid you’ll realize that you actually have to work pretty hard to mess up a baby. I mean, don’t TRY to do it or anything, but you get my point.
Eventually they’ll play together
And when they do it’ll be the cutest thing ever. Your heart will burst with even more love than you had before. Watching two humans you sired being nice to each other, wrestling together, laughing together, is one of life’s greatest joys.
Sure they’ll be literally trying to kill each other in 5 minutes, but you’ll always have those 4 minutes and 59 seconds before that.
You’ll appreciate the life stages more
What’s great about Spawn #2 is you get to revisit some of those life stages you loved from Spawn #1, only this time you won’t take it for granted. With my second kid I find myself cherishing his 18 month old, really figuring out communicating, smiling all the time phase. It’s pretty fun.
Also you’ll have to relive the bad parts, but at least this time you’ll know things actually will get better.
You’ve increased your chances of someone taking care of you
Don’t sleep on this one. Do you have a sense that your firstborn is this sensitive, artistic soul who is going to express themselves through sand art for a career? That’s so GREAT! What a wonderful little angel you’ve created. But let’s be honest, that kid is going to be living in poverty, and there is no way he’ll be providing for you in your twilight years.
Spawn #2 though had to learn early on that it’s a rough and tumble world out there. She had to fight her brother every step of the way for every scrap of food, every toy, every moment of parental attention. She is a warrior. Get her in baby business school ASAP. Yes she will probably be soulless and shove you in a retirement home, but it’ll be a NICE retirement home.
Hope this helps you feel better about this wonderful journey you’re embarking on. Children are a blessing! Be excited! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go get a vasectomy. No way I’m going through this again.