If there’s one thing we’re big on here at The Bad Dad’s Club it’s bad dadness. But if there’s TWO things we’re into then the first would still be bad dadness, and the second would be awesome movies and TV shows. Which means what we are REALLY REALLY into is when the badness of dadhood intersects with the awesomeness of our favorite show or film, leading to the obvious question: “who are some of the baddest dads ever to grace a screen?”

Because this question is more important than - arguably - any question ever asked, we have ranked bad dads on a very precise, scientifically-tested set of criteria. After accounting for outliers, statistical variations, and other Feats of Science, we have found the top five baddest dads in pop culture. We did this by ranking each dad in three categories: “parenting skills,” “fashion sensibilities,” and “ineffable coolness factor.” Ready? Yes, you’re ready. Let’s do this:

PHIL DUNPHY, Realtor

Style: 5/10

Parenting: 7/10

Ineffable coolness: 3/10

Phil Dunphy may be the dad we are, not the one we want to be, but is that so terrible? Is most of Phil’s wardrobe a collection of ill-conceived Father’s Day presents? Yes. Is he cool? No. No no no. But he’s brave: he drives through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified! He’s seen the movie Ghostbusters 7 times! He is painfully uncool, but he loves his family and tries hard and at the end of the day isn’t that what matters? Also he’s married to the former Mrs. Jack Shepherd, and he is 100% a better husband than Jack was, who you’ll notice is not on this list.

MUFASA, Lion/King

Style: 5/10

Parenting: 4/10

Ineffable coolness: 9/10

Mufasa (oooh, say it again) seems like he’d be the #1 bad dad, largely because he is voiced by James Earl Jones, a man so cool that when he said he has the voice of God and that voice helped President Obama get elected our only response was “I’m not 100% sure he’s wrong.”

The problem is that Mufasa ranks lower in the style category because he doesn’t wear clothes, which is an un-bad dad choice (bad dads, generally, go about their day with their extremities covered). He gets 5 style points for an immaculately kempt mane. His parenting, however, is even more problematic. Is he loving? Of course. Attentive? NOOOO. The movie starts with Scar so pissed at being bumped down the line of kingly succession that he directly threatens Mufasa. Let’s say someone literally threatens your life and you have reason to think he means it. Would you let that person hang with your kid? Because Simba does. TWICE.

Also Mufasa was trampled to death by wildebeests.

ERIC TAYLOR, Coach

Style: 6/10

Parenting: 8/10

Ineffable coolness: 9/10

The outfit in this picture is literally the only outfit Eric Taylor has ever worn. Does it work: absolutely it does.

That expression on his face is literally the only expression he’s ever had. Do you want him to be your dad? Yes, you do. Is he cool?

Would you be 15,000,000% more successful in life if you watched this video every morning before you woke up? You know the answer: clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

BRYAN MILLS, Human retrieval expert

Style: 8/10

Parenting: 9/10

Ineffable coolness: 10/10

The most underrated element of Bryan Mills is how fashionably on point he is. Take a look at that jacket: it’s weather-appropriate, compliments Liam’s skin tone, and is loose fitting enough that he can stab someone in the legs and then electrocute them without feeling constricted. If you received that jacket as a gift, you would say “yeah, I’d wear that,” and you’d be better for it, whether or not you decided to murder someone soon after [note: do not murder].

Has Mills made some parenting mistakes? Sure. But then he also chased his daughter around the world, killed a zillion human traffickers, and then rescued his daughter from some pervy sheik. I’m assuming we don’t need to discuss Liam Neeson’s coolness. If we do, you’re visiting the wrong website.

ATTICUS FINCH, Lawyer/hero

Style: 10/10

Parenting: 10/10

Ineffable coolness: 10/10

There’s a chance you haven’t seen To Kill a Mockingbird which is totally okay, in the sense that it was totally okay if people watched that creepy The Ring video and then didn’t make a copy and yes that is absolutely a threat you have seven days.

Atticus Finch is a lawyer who more importantly can rock a three piece suit better than anyone who has ever lived and who most importantly is a civil rights hero who stood up for a falsely accused black man and then taught his daughter to do the same thing. If James Earl Jones’s voice was a person, it would be Atticus Finch. He wins at everything.